*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
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If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!