At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
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“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*