I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
You Might Also Like
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know