*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
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I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.