Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
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{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today