[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
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him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
There’s always that one guy
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO