[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
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Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Great Canadian literature.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”