10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
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Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
A small tragedy.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”