The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
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“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
The USS B port
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it