Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
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Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Going into Monday like
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women