Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
You Might Also Like
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
They’re on their honeymoon
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it