if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
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Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
are they though??
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.