Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
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MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
won’t smith
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”