“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
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I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
That’s classic.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
something like this could probably happen to anyone