Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
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I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
NOT all policemen are strippers.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
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HADDAWAY: shit