I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
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Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war