Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
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My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.