“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
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a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Accurate
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows