[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
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Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
[shakes fist at other fist]
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Monday Lisa
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.