You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger