As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
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Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?