I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
You Might Also Like
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
mathematically impossible
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Trumpy Cat
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time