I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
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[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car