If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
You Might Also Like
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
My purse is deeper than some people.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
She puts the hot in psychotic
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries