I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
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She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.