My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
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Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”