Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
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My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.