There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
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What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
*pronounces woah like Noah*
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.