Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
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They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Breaking news:
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.