Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
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Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
it was a valiant fight
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
<- sleeps well with others
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere