Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
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[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes