My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
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Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Whoa 😂
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Noah
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What