West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
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Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
yeah not falling for this one
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude