pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
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“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am