Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
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When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help