Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
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[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.