Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
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“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”