Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
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IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks