Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
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You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.