How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
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A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡