Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
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Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava