At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
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Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
#Caturday
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?