I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
You Might Also Like
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
*seductively peels off lederhosen
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?