*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
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When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler