me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
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The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd