“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
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“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
We’ve all been there
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.