My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
You Might Also Like
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Grow up never but we old may grow we
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.