How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
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Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
yea so i messed up lol
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
going to the ER y’all need anything
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.