If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
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*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.