poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
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If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story